Lord Osborne Meritocrat: a tale of power, lust and conspiracy
George Osborne : enfant prodige of Mr and Mrs Meritocrat
Rivalries sparked and daggers were drawn as the whole nation celebrated the appointment of Lord Osborne Meritocrat, prodigal son of Lord and Lady Meritocrat, of the house of Meritocratia, as chief Editor of the Evening Standard.
With no formal qualifications or experience in Journalism, George enfant prodige and eminence grise of the Meritocrats, was offered the much-coveted position based on his merit alone, it goes without saying.
The former Chancellor of the Exchequer -who is said to receive a modest allowance of £200,000 per annum for his attendance- is not just a former chancellor turned editor, he is a lot more than that. He is an economist, a financier and a business expert.
Meritocratia, Land of the Righteous, is a society governed by people selected according to merit.
For those who don't know it yet, the house of Meritocratia is the sworn enemy of the house of Nepos.
Nepos, Land of the wretched, is a society governed by Nepotism, a land where people are selected according to their relations rather than their merit.
Conspirators and backstabbers in the land of Nepos are already trying to undermine his achievements. Only hours after the announcement was made, green with envy, Jeremy Corbyney Nepotis, of the house of Nepos, arch enemy of the house of Meritocratia, called it a "joke" and said that it made a "mockery" of the independence of the media.
Lord Osborne Meritocrat, of years only 45, has shown much promise throughout his career. In fact, he is an honourable Member of her Majesty's Parliament which earns him £74,962 a year and Adviser to BlackRock Investment Institute, which pays him the handsome sum of £650,000 a year.
And if you thought that was all, George will always astound you! Not only is he an editor, a politician, an MP, an economist and a finance expert but also a researcher and as a Kissinger Fellow at the McCain Institute, he is endowed with a £120,212 stipend to cover travel and research costs which am sure given his talent and genius are not even worth his bother frankly!
And rather than twiddling his thumbs with boredom, George did also take a position at the Washington Speaker's Bureau which generated him the modest sum of £800,000 for his engagements since July 2016.
Yet most people these days seem to be fixated with his income and allowances rather than the fact that George is such a philanthropist! He likes to give back to the people and that is why the people love him!
As Chair of the Northern Powerhouse Partnership, a role that he takes very very seriously, he is not only contributing to the success of the north but also giving of his time and effort given as he is such a generous and humble leader.
Meanwhile, the news had spread to the Land of the Twitterati and everybody had something to say about it... lovers, haters and everything in between.
"I am proud to have an editor of such substance, who reinforces The Standard's standing and influence in London and whose political viewpoint - socially liberal and economically pragmatic - closely matches that of many of our readers," tweeted Mr Evgeny Lebedev, owner of the Standard. Lord Osborne Meritocrat dismissed concerns about his political neutrality, saying that he would be "independent" and "fearless" in speaking up for the people's interests.
Albeit a Tory and a Whig, like the rest of the rulers of this land with Theresa May Regina at their helm, Lord Osborne Meritocrat is very much a unionist and is in favour of the union with the other Kingdoms of the Land.
However, Teresa May Regina, otherwise known as the Iron Balls Lady -due to the very peculiar ball-shaped ornaments that she keeps dangling around her neck and not any other lewd inferences we must insist!- does not favour the union and would rather have us go to war than be united with those heathens the Europeans, of the Land of Europa.
Europa, which let's remind it, is governed by democratically elected representatives for the different nations that form part of it or, in other terms, heathens and commoners who would be telling us the almighty and most powerful Kingdom in the land what to do (Heretics! How dare they! How ghastly! Such a heresy! Absolutely ludicrous!).
The nation also salutes the temerity and courage of the valiant and brave Lord Osborne Meritocrat who will be performing his duties from 5 am every morning until midday before moving on to performing his remaining five other jobs for the rest of the day.
The evening standard has also just acquired a new badge of honour: "we will always set the standard", well... as long as it stands in the land of the emeritus few and we can get away with it!