Brexit, Back to The Future!
Photo credits: Alexander Andrews
I just got back from the future and you wouldn't believe it! The Brexit polls have busted our balls. Brexit was renamed Breakshit. The queen was relocated from Buckingham palace to the Houses of Parliament and Pasta shares have gone through the roof.
The BBC was finally renamed Brexit Broadcast Corporation (yes, it's now official!) and we sold the scenario to Netflix for the Game of Thrones sequel and became very rich!
Boris Johnson went back to being a whiney little shit, obnoxious as ever, never happy, always dissatisfied, demanding to be fed every twenty minutes and thinking that he is the centre of the universe. His voters, mainly three members of his family, never recovered.
Jeremy Corbin joined Daft Punk and promises to make "Harder Better Faster Stronger" the slogan of his next electoral campaign. He still insists on being the "historical leader" of the Labour party and after paying tribute to all the martyrs of the war in Syria, he still doesn't remember the question.
Theresa May has turned beauty blogger and has now more followers than Zoella. Mission accomplished!
Nigel Farage has retired from politics and started a new career as a pastry chef. He is now one of the judges on the Great British Bake off (Yes, it's made it into the future! ) on the back of the success he's had with his half-baked UKIP policies.
Jacob Rees Mogg is now beach blonde. His supreme ambition to become the new Boris Johnson was crushed. The raving lunatics of his fan club are all back on their meds and as of last, they're all fine.
Tim Farron went back to his former job as God's secretary and is now living in a monastery. All is well with the world again. Michael Gove is still working on his pitch for Prime Minister but he's far from ready! Speaker of the house, John Bercow, has invented an incremental clock that adds up ten seconds to every minute of the MPs interventions because, frankly, time is up! David Cameron finally realised he wasn't cut out for politics and left his position as PM to write his memoirs... Oh wait, but that's already happened!
Dominic Raab, has converted to Buddhism after experimenting with being Brexit secretary, a failed attempt at getting into number 10 and then as foreign secretary and first secretary of state. He is currently meditating in a Tibetan monastery but still maintains that feminists are "obnoxious bigots" and that men should start "burning their briefs" in protest.
Katie Hopkins has officially qualified as Britain First's white Imam. She is now back to her original vocation as a messenger of Hate and stupidity, except that she now works for Al Jazeera.
First Brexit secretary, David Davis, finally learned what the brexit negociations were about, but in Newspeak, and is currently living in his natural habitat, Oceania, a totalitarian regime created by George Orwell in Nineteen Eighty Four.
Chukka Umunna has kept his wonderful eloquence, his vision, ideas and initiative, except that his silhouette is now more reminiscent of that of an exclamation mark!
Fiona Bruce has just launched her own Mme Tussaud's version reserved exclusively to UKIP prominent figures.
Laura kunsberg went back to her previous job as clown in the local fairground attraction where she appears to be very contented. She still periodically spews out biased and unfounded news in her own private and super kitschy studios.
Politically, economically and socially, nothing has changed in the country: austerity, inflation, climate change, corruption and boredom. The Brits have stopped fighting over Brexit and went back to hating each other for better reasons than Brexit, i.e. football.
And you, all good down there?